Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
