he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
