I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
