omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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