I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
