Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
