im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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