apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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