I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
