Whats the glycemic index on semen?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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