I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
