I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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