i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
FUCK WHALES
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
