i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
