Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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