im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
