Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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