I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
