I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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