So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
