All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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