What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
