I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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