Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
