New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
