I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
