I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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