I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help