Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
