I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
