Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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