I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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