We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
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After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
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Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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