smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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