If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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