i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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