Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
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they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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