On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
