my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
