I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
