we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's shark week go big or go home
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
