dude i'm inner monologue high
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
