I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
