remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Randomize
