I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
