i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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