I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
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Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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