if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
