I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Randomize
