Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
