I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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