Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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