i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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