there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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