Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
