Plan B is the new Plan A
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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